he might be right, about it being suffocating. mm. ]
I'd like to think that being "a good son" and being "a good brother" are both me... Both myself. But If that's true, then it shouldn't feel so hard to please my parents and Leonii both, right? Though Leonii's easy to handle, I guess... I still I want to be better for him, even if
[ ........... ]
Ah, I'm probably just really mean. I want to be a good brother to him as a way to get back at him... To make him feel guilty about leaving me. I mean, it isn't like I don't understand why, but I'm still hurt, you know? I should probably be over it, he's been home for A while now But it's not so easy. I want to be happy he's here, but I'm hurt, too.
[ even more now, really, ]
I want to be a good son and pursue what I like at the same time to prove to him and to my parents that I can do that without resorting to running away, too. Even though, I guess, I feel like I might be running away in a way, rooming with you... But it's true that I want to be a little more independent too, so... Ugh. Miisan, I'm a terrible person, aren't I?
( mmm... he lets the messages come in, reading them with more care than his usual attitude suggests. he can't relate in the sense that it's something he's ever done or exactly been through - he's the one who tends to leave people behind - but, in some way, he understands. if even only because he can get that if he left someone behind, they might feel like this, too. )
you're human, is all if you were that terrible, would you really feel that bad about it? it sounds like, a little bit, there isn't room for you in your life that to be what you think is a good brother and son you have to swallow yourself like the white of a canvas of some other painter
and yet, you persist because you can't live your life without you in it
( a beat )
i think i think that likely, the less you express who you are (how you feel, what your value, etc.) the deeper it digs until even something perhaps small becomes overwhelming
the more you hide yourself away the harder it is to hide it the more vibrantly "you" you become even hidden in a cave, the sun's rays did leak out
so he's been back for awhile yes but well what about you? it sounds like how you felt hadn't been addressed, or at least not addressed enough most people don't cling to resentment without reason we do it in seek of reprieve, to soothe that's human whether that reprieve comes by reconciliation or injury
i don't know about your parents since you've told me a little bit about them, but have you spoken to him about this?
[ an immediate reply, though... the rest comes slower, hesitantly. ]
Why would I? I don't want Leonii to be alone... Everyone in our family hates him or worse, doesn't even acknowledge he's ever existed, aside from me and Baba. And with Baba gone, that's just... Me now, Miisan.
[ unseen to miai, he wipes his face with the heel of his hand, thinking... ]
... No, I guess we've talked a little about... Not about me being upset or hating him over this or anything, but I accused him of not really missing me once. Because if he really missed me, I figured he would've come back to visit at least once or twice. But I guess he didn't have to do that if he was in the city for almost three, four damn years.
[ —hhh, mmmm, shit. tsukasa winces at the words himself, then... hesitantly, not sure if he wants the answer, types out a question. ]
Did you know he's been here for longer than a couple of months, Miisan?
( oh. oh yikes. a good pause, miai realizing there was a gravity to this situation that he hadn't realized before. )
i did, but when he told me not to say i thought it was because he meant to tell you himself
( and, well, miai knew leo, but he didn't know tsukasa, so he had no reason to care about how tsukasa felt on the matter. he didn't want to get involved in their family situation, sure, but... it sounded like a thin excuse now. )
i wouldn't know why he did it as he did; you'd have to ask and you don't have to talk to him now but talking to him, or to me about something done that's hurt you, shouldn't be the same as saying you hate someone
( implicit apology / permission for tsukasa to be upset at him too if he wishes to be ... sorry lil dude ... )
[ of course he did. tsukasa feels himself sink a little, into the flash of hurt and anger, but... it wasn't like him and miai knew each other, then. he wouldn't have had reason to care about tsukasa, or why he'd have to keep mum... and it isn't like anyone likes to get involved in family disputes.
it's why he doesn't talk about what goes on at home, why he doesn't talk about his brother to anyone—it hurt leo to hear it, that his little brother doesn't chat up a storm the way he does, but... ]
I'm afraid he'll take it that way though. Even if you don't. Niisan's softhearted, you know.
( and he doesn't say that in any cruel way, even though leo's been a recent source of heartache. leo just ... is so much softer than the reckless sort of life he's lived, a scrambling kid that's just easily bruised. it's what makes him dear— to everyone, probably; miai's never been alone. )
i think we all have a bit of growing to do, i guess to be gentle is good but
( ... no, no he's going to just... start talking about leo, and that's not the point. okay. )
but as for you, what you ought to do i mean, i can't tell you for certain
but you either talk to him eventually or you never do
if you choose to talk and if he's soft, then be soft as him if you'd rather avoid the matter then you're free to continue as you are
( ... mmm ... )
well i don't know if it's coincidence, but leo seems somewhat the same he doesn't like to say things if it'll cause someone to feel hurt even if it's a thing that needs to be said
so i don't know if this is true, but maybe there's things he'd like to tell you right now, too but he's afraid to say it just as you feel the same toward him
i don't know if speaking will fix it or if it fixes everything but it's a motion toward something and perhaps that motion is preferable to the weight of inertia you feel now
[ well, leo has always been his role model; it's natural they would've ended up similar, despite the fact they still have a nasty habit of being too honest. but when it comes to talking about their feelings, how people have hurt those, because hearing that kind of truth might hurt those people...
it never comes out, like it's all stopped up. better to suffer in silence, or something. he rarely talks about his feelings, positive or negative, for fear that he'll hurt something (change something, irreparably), and... sure, that isn't good, but... ]
It is. I'll talk to him, sometime... I just
[ ... ]
I don't know if I want to know, but, I sort of want to ask everyone if they knew he'd been in the city for years too? I don't know how to go about that without asking each of them individually, and even then, when I have my answer, what would I do with it? Be mad at them, when Leonii probably asked them to keep quiet? I mean, sure, it'll still hurt, but it still comes back to having to talk to him in the end... I'll still be mad at them, but won't it be kind of pointless to be, kind of like being mad at you? It isn't like any of them knew me before last year.
well i'm not going to say that's wrong, fundamentally holding onto upset generally doesn't amount to anything, but i would argue against equating that with the idea that feeling at all, is some sort of mistake a fate to be avoided
would knowing help you feel better than not knowing but remaining suspicious? then i think that may be a start
( a beat )
it's true that we didn't know you then and leo may have asked us, and we may have had other reasons for not speaking, but even if the past is done an apology, for one, might feel better than nothing better than maintaining the status quo, i'd argue
[ he always has such hard conversations with miai, but they're rewarding. mm... ]
I think I'd feel better knowing for sure, instead of just worrying about it.
[ and apologies would be nice, too, but... it's mostly... not wanting to be sus of everyone he talks to. especially in idol chat, considering they already have their memories to contend with. he can ask his friends who know leo later— there's only izumi, really. ]
Thanks, Miisan. For being honest and for talking to me And for asking me to stay with you, too. I'm really sorry for bothering you with this stuff though. I don't Really like involving people in my business if I can really help it. I guess that's something me and Suou share.
( see, he always has a wealth of advice for tsukasa ... because, even though their situations are entirely opposite, he reminds him both of himself and his own brother ... and maybe it's a little bit cathartic, to pass on things he'd wished he'd done or known, nudge him toward paths he wishes he knew how to take himself.
so it's all a little bit selfish, in that way. )
well, you're in bad luck because i'm a terribly nosy person who likes being involved in people's business, in or out of bed ♪ so bother me whenever, all right? i don't know how things were between us in the life before this but i know for certain now you're a friend whom i treasure a little light spilling from your cave i may not be perfect, but i'll do all i can to support you ama~chan ☆
[ ...ugh, he doesn't deserve this, maybe. mm, no, that's not how he should think about this. whether or not he deserves it, he's getting it, right? he feels so warm. ]
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the latest iphone model transcribes thoughts directly from your brain
it's beta only right now so
don't tell anyone i told you ♪
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I'm surprised your thoughts are so clean.
[ but,
he might be right, about it being suffocating. mm. ]
I'd like to think that being "a good son" and being "a good brother" are both me... Both myself.
But
If that's true, then it shouldn't feel so hard to please my parents and Leonii both, right?
Though Leonii's easy to handle, I guess... I still
I want to be better for him, even if
[ ........... ]
Ah, I'm probably just really mean.
I want to be a good brother to him as a way to get back at him...
To make him feel guilty about leaving me.
I mean, it isn't like I don't understand why, but I'm still hurt, you know?
I should probably be over it, he's been home for
A while now
But it's not so easy. I want to be happy he's here, but I'm hurt, too.
[ even more now, really, ]
I want to be a good son and pursue what I like at the same time to prove to him and to my parents that I can do that without resorting to running away, too.
Even though, I guess, I feel like I might be running away in a way, rooming with you...
But it's true that I want to be a little more independent too, so...
Ugh.
Miisan, I'm a terrible person, aren't I?
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you're human, is all
if you were that terrible, would you really feel that bad about it?
it sounds like, a little bit, there isn't room for you in your life
that to be what you think is a good brother and son
you have to swallow yourself
like the white of a canvas of some other painter
and yet, you persist
because you can't live your life without you in it
( a beat )
i think
i think that likely, the less you express who you are
(how you feel, what your value, etc.)
the deeper it digs
until even something perhaps small becomes
overwhelming
the more you hide yourself away
the harder it is to hide it
the more vibrantly "you" you become
even hidden in a cave, the sun's rays did leak out
so he's been back for awhile yes but
well
what about you?
it sounds like how you felt hadn't been addressed, or
at least
not addressed enough
most people don't cling to resentment without reason
we do it in seek of reprieve, to soothe
that's human
whether that reprieve comes by reconciliation or
injury
i don't know about your parents
since you've told me a little bit about them, but
have you spoken to him about this?
no subject
[ an immediate reply, though... the rest comes slower, hesitantly. ]
Why would I?
I don't want Leonii to be alone... Everyone in our family hates him or worse, doesn't even acknowledge he's ever existed, aside from me and Baba.
And with Baba gone, that's just...
Me now, Miisan.
[ unseen to miai, he wipes his face with the heel of his hand, thinking... ]
... No, I guess we've talked a little about...
Not about me being upset or hating him over this or anything, but I accused him of not really missing me once.
Because if he really missed me, I figured he would've come back to visit at least once or twice.
But I guess he didn't have to do that if he was in the city for almost three, four damn years.
[ —hhh, mmmm, shit. tsukasa winces at the words himself, then... hesitantly, not sure if he wants the answer, types out a question. ]
Did you know he's been here for longer than a couple of months, Miisan?
no subject
i did, but when he told me not to say i thought it was because he meant to tell you himself
( and, well, miai knew leo, but he didn't know tsukasa, so he had no reason to care about how tsukasa felt on the matter. he didn't want to get involved in their family situation, sure, but... it sounded like a thin excuse now. )
i wouldn't know why he did it as he did; you'd have to ask
and you don't have to talk to him now
but talking to him, or to me
about something done that's hurt you, shouldn't be the same as saying you hate someone
( implicit apology / permission for tsukasa to be upset at him too if he wishes to be ... sorry lil dude ... )
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it's why he doesn't talk about what goes on at home, why he doesn't talk about his brother to anyone—it hurt leo to hear it, that his little brother doesn't chat up a storm the way he does, but... ]
I'm afraid he'll take it that way though.
Even if you don't.
Niisan's softhearted, you know.
no subject
he is
( and he doesn't say that in any cruel way, even though leo's been a recent source of heartache. leo just ... is so much softer than the reckless sort of life he's lived, a scrambling kid that's just easily bruised. it's what makes him dear— to everyone, probably; miai's never been alone. )
i think
we all have a bit of growing to do, i guess
to be gentle is good but
( ... no, no he's going to just... start talking about leo, and that's not the point. okay. )
but as for you, what you ought to do
i mean, i can't tell you for certain
but you either talk to him eventually
or you never do
if you choose to talk
and if he's soft,
then be soft as him
if you'd rather avoid the matter
then you're free to continue as you are
( ... mmm ... )
well
i don't know if it's coincidence, but
leo seems somewhat the same
he doesn't like to say things if it'll cause someone to feel hurt
even if it's a thing that needs to be said
so i don't know if this is true, but
maybe there's things he'd like to tell you right now, too
but he's afraid to say it
just as you feel the same toward him
i don't know if speaking will fix it
or if it fixes everything
but it's a motion toward something
and perhaps that motion is preferable
to the weight of inertia you feel now
no subject
it never comes out, like it's all stopped up. better to suffer in silence, or something. he rarely talks about his feelings, positive or negative, for fear that he'll hurt something (change something, irreparably), and... sure, that isn't good, but... ]
It is.
I'll talk to him, sometime...
I just
[ ... ]
I don't know if I want to know, but,
I sort of want to ask everyone if they knew he'd been in the city for years too?
I don't know how to go about that without asking each of them individually, and even then, when I have my answer, what would I do with it?
Be mad at them, when Leonii probably asked them to keep quiet? I mean, sure, it'll still hurt, but it still comes back to having to talk to him in the end...
I'll still be mad at them, but won't it be kind of pointless to be, kind of like being mad at you?
It isn't like any of them knew me before last year.
no subject
i'm not going to say that's wrong, fundamentally
holding onto upset generally doesn't amount to anything, but
i would argue against equating that with
the idea that feeling at all, is some sort of mistake
a fate to be avoided
would knowing help you feel better than not knowing but
remaining suspicious? then i think that may be a start
( a beat )
it's true that we didn't know you then
and leo may have asked us, and we may have had other reasons for not speaking, but
even if the past is done
an apology, for one, might feel better than nothing
better than maintaining the status quo, i'd argue
no subject
I think
I'd feel better knowing for sure, instead of just worrying about it.
[ and apologies would be nice, too, but... it's mostly... not wanting to be sus of everyone he talks to. especially in idol chat, considering they already have their memories to contend with. he can ask his friends who know leo later— there's only izumi, really. ]
Thanks, Miisan.
For being honest and for talking to me
And for asking me to stay with you, too.
I'm really sorry for bothering you with this stuff though.
I don't
Really like involving people in my business if I can really help it.
I guess that's something me and Suou share.
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so it's all a little bit selfish, in that way. )
well, you're in bad luck
because i'm a terribly nosy person who likes being involved in people's business, in or out of bed ♪
so bother me whenever, all right?
i don't know how things were between us in the life before this
but i know for certain now you're a friend whom i treasure
a little light spilling from your cave
i may not be perfect, but i'll do all i can to support you
ama~chan ☆
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323 ♪
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see you this weekend ♪
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